Coronavirus Tips

When the world goes topsy-turvy, the only way to fight fire with fire is to be bizarre right back. Here’s a list of 10 ways to avoid catching Covid-19. 

Enforce social distancing by: 

1. Only travelling in a human-sized hamster ball.
2. If you don’t have a hamster ball, wear a large pool floatie at all times instead. 

Alternatively, you can buff up your immune system by: 

1. Touching as many people as possible. Full body contact works best and everyone needs some love right now, so hugs work best. 
2. Eating nothing but cheese in order to strengthen your immune system. We can’t let Wisconsin have an unfair advantage. 
3. Eating a whole jar of vitamin gummies at once for maximum impact. I recommend ones that taste fruity so you can fully appreciate what you’re doing for your health. 
4. Drink a garlic and ginger cocktail every day. Don’t be shy, add some more garlic. 

Keeping clean is also important so don’t forget to: 

1. Replace your body wash with sanitizer for a full body clean. Invest in some Bath & Body Works sanitizer so you can smell like cupcakes and stay healthy. 
2. Drink all beverages at a temperature of 120℉ or higher so you can kill any infections inside of you. After all, tea is best when it’s scalding. 
3. Dispose of any clothes you wear outside; the infection may still linger on cloth so you should just burn anything you wear when you venture outside. (This is the only time you’re going to encourage your friend to wear that one shirt that you always thought was kind of ugly without feeling guilty afterwards.)
4. Wipe down your food before you eat it. Clorox may have an aftertaste but it’s better to be safe than sorry.